Hybrid Moments is a series of short tales that outline and remember the life of Mike Escalante. A chapter will be posted about every week for your enjoyment. Click on the links below to open the curtain.

First Call

Converse Worlds

Politically Incorrect

Enjoy.

I sat with two joints in my hand; that purple-stenchin’,
I lit the first one at its end, inhaled, my lungs were stretchin,
It’s not the strain I’m used to, but it’s hard to just get by,
Bought a dub with my last twenty, just needed to get high,

I smoked some weed and I liked it, those trees was mighty tasty
I smoked some weed just to try it, I felt real outer-spacey
I hit the bong, I hit the pipe; I’ll be flyin’ high tonight
I smoked some weed and I liked it, and I liked it.

No, I don’t care, if you are purps or greens, it doesn’t matter,
As long as you are Mary Jane, serve it to me on a platter,
It’s what us major stoners do, you gotta smoke it main, G
My head gets so confused, gotta smoke it daily

I smoked some weed and I liked it, those trees was mighty tasty
I smoked some weed just to try it, I felt real outer-spacey
I hit the bong, I hit the pipe; I’ll be flyin’ high tonight
I smoked some weed and I liked it, and I liked it.

That herb is so magical, orange hairs, crystals, so smokeable
Hard to resist, too lightable, too good to deny it
It ain’t no big deal at all, just legalize it.

I smoked some weed and I liked it, those trees was mighty tasty
I smoked some weed just to try it, I felt real outer-spacey
I hit the bong, I hit the pipe; I’ll be flyin’ high tonight
I smoked some weed and I liked it.

Click here for the video: Youtube

In these current and harsh economic times where many people are experiencing layoffs, market uncertainty, are being forced to cut back on leisurely spending, and losing their homes, the least that one can do is to continue to invest in their dignity. I know that times are changing, but has the downswing of the economy also affected us as humans? Have conditions become so desperate that they are rubbing off on us as individuals and as a gender? Has the recession taken its toll on us over time and lowered the value of our assets as well as our creativity and self-respect?

These questions circled my bloodstream this weekend along with random tequila and Jameson (shout out to Leif Nylander behind the bar) while spending some of my own money in a leisurely fashion with friends in downtown San Diego. I was embarrassed to be a man for the first time in my life. I wanted to tuck the balls and chain between my legs and throw on a skirt. I witnessed some of the worst game in the history of man. I asked myself, “is Stingaree full of some of the biggest douche bags known to man?” This could be true, but it is not the club’s fault. The club is great. Who doesn’t enjoy standing on a rooftop in San Diego inhaling cancer and accumulating liver problems through a straw?

I digress. I was appalled. I wanted to put my head down. I wanted to reach out to girls and apologize. I wanted to act gay (act, you ask? Ha.) and use their own d-bag lines against them in order to help defend the women under seige. I wanted to grab me some male-ass and return the awkward favors they were handing out to others.

Oh, trust me, I know what you are all saying out loud as you read this. “Strewzi, you are an asshole; you have disgraced women many a-time in the past, all you have to do is Read 40 Years in 40 Nights or “The Ryan Howard Theory”. Am I hypocrite? Maybe. But during those times was my game sadder than France’s most recent World Cup performance? I think not. At least when I was “spreading the love” or searching for a lady, I would do it with humor, truth (believable lies), or normal conversation. Yes, it still exists, normal conversation. I never grabbed a random girl by the hip while she was walking by with her friends in an attempt to impress her (this was the first shock my double vision witnessed). “Wow, that strange guy just touched my ass, he must be a keeper….” I’m sure that is what was going through her head as she slithered away from his creepy grasp. Next, I witnessed what appeared to be the offspring of an Asian beaver and Sonic the Hedgehog literally use the pickup line “Are you girls from Heaven?” Embarrassing. He would have had better luck dropping into a ball and collecting a bunch of gold rings as he rolled throughout the club…(SEGA!!!!).

You don’t try to get girls. I mean, you can try, and if you try enough you will probably find one with a desperate outfit on that matches yours (Please see the “Ryan Howard Theory”). You wait and feel the night out. Don’t go out to get laid. Go out and have fun with friends. Be yourself. Don’t touch strangers unless they give you permission (no, roofies don’t qualify as permission). If you can’t tell which one wants you, then none of them do.

It was recently brought to my attention that I have been very harsh to the female gender. I apologize. Let me rephrase: people are stupid in general, not women.

Men, if you are abnormally attractive in any way, this will be obvious and apparent to the ladies by you acting normal. Please refrain from grabbing unidentified asses in the future, unless of course, it is confirmed that they are from Heaven.

*Eradicate all of the Jews; they are the reason why we lost WWI and why our country is no longer a superpower. “Hey,  that guy with the mustache who speaks with passion is on to something. He can’t be lying, plus I’m not Jewish so let’s do it.”

*You can buy your way into Heaven, or at least you could at one time. . .

*Valentines Day: show her you truly love her one day out of the year.

Cinco de fuckin’ Mayo: celebrate Mexican Independence Day with tequila and red, white and green condoms. (No, be lulled into a bar by misconceptions about the origin of the “holiday” and be persuaded by an onslaught of alcoholic beverage commercials).

Just drink. It’s a Wednesday and you should drink. You should drink every Wednesday. The 5^th of May means nothing to most of the country of Mexico, so why do we love it? Because “we” are dumb. Because “we” are sheep. Because “we” will do anything as long as “we” do it together.

Don’t get me wrong, I love whiskey, so of course I enjoy the Jameson specials on St. Patrick’s Day. But even if it wasn’t St. Patrick’s Day and your bar had specials on Jameson shots, I’d be there. I don’t even know what St. Patrick’s Day really means because I am too hung over from last night to look it up. You know why? Yes, that is correct, because I drank too much Jameson for cheap.  

Y2K came and if you weren’t stocking up on supplies, shit, you were a fuckin’ idiot. Then the ball dropped in Times Square and so did peoples’ jaws. “We are still alive! But what the fuck are we going to do with all of these AA batteries and peanut butter?”

2012 – Shit, we are all going to die so you better not only spend $13 to see the movie so you know how you are going to perish, but you better buy the book, the Mayan calendar (Borders has the original Mayan calendar on sale, and yes, it did have puppies on it), and spend all of your money cause you can’t take it with you (but the economy could sure use it right about now).

I don’t hate Mexicans. I love them, their food, their beer, and sombreros. I don’t hate the 5^th of May. May is a fine, upstanding month. I just love laughing at the hype that comes along with a day that gets people to drink. It is a microcosm of the lack of intelligence and/or ability to think for oneself in this country.

When enough idiots get together and yell loud enough, the people will listen. When enough geniuses get together and implement master plans that travel through the masses evoking fear or fun, even more people will listen more intently.

Wear Affliction and you will get the girls. Argue loud enough and you will always be right. Don’t ever think or research and just believe your neighbor because they know what is really going on. “We” will support anything in numbers that the masses are doing. It’s a cycle of stupidity. “We” support it because the masses believe in it. And the masses believe in it because “we” support it.   

                                   Rant over. I’ll see you at the bar tonight.

The doghouse is no place for a man, and that is why you don’t usually end up there unless you are an asshole or have engaged in asshole activities (figuratively). Whether your actions have affected a good friend in a negative way or they have caused trouble in paradise with your luvva-luvva, the doghouse is a wicked habitat. It is a small and dark place that causes tension, hurt, awkwardness, and loneliness.

Once the finger below a livid face points to the backdoor, you can try to argue, but you know that you will eventually exit the house, enter the cold, drop to your knees, and back into the small canine condo, unaware of how long your “vacation” will be. At first you will bark in protest that your actions were justified; that you were in the right. But this is most likely what put you in the doghouse in the first place; selfishness. After you bark for a few nights and you realize that the backdoor is still closed tightly, and no one is whistling for you to come inside, luring you in with a treat in their hand, you begin to examine the actions that led you to your new, (hopefully) temporary residence.

This is why the doghouse was invented. There is only one positive purpose that the doghouse serves. It is relationship jail. You may have taken certain “freedoms” or people for granted before your incarceration, but once you spend time in solitary confinement, you have no choice but to reflect upon your behavior and focus on who and what are important to you and how you can improve the way you treat the people and things you care about most after your sentence is served.  

Usually after some time in the doghouse you will learn your lesson. Your bark will turn into a whimper and you will execute soft little paw movements against the glass of the backdoor in hopes of being let back in (but being cute in the short term is not good enough). Sometimes the door will open, but in other cases you will be moved from the doghouse and kicked out of the entire yard because the damage caused was deemed irreparable.

Now you are a lost dog, free to roam the streets in hopes of being taken in by a new owner, but even if adopted, in most cases you still think back to your old home and wish the backdoor would have opened instead of the side gate. You may even run back to your old home after pouting along the concrete for a few days and loading up on one too many treats, swearing that you have changed. But by then it is too late and you are chased off the front lawn.

You have learned a valuable lesson for the future but that doesn’t ease the pain of what you foolishly left behind…

If you have a good home and good people in your life, treat them the way they deserve to be treated. SHOW them that you care about them, don’t just say it. Don’t let your bark be louder than your bite or else you will find yourself roaming the cold streets alone forever.

Whiskey or Weed?

Just a simple minded interactive poll for the kids on this Monday night. 

Who defined(s) this overrated term? It makes sense to me that judging someone on their appearance and linking assumptions about their intellect, ability to produce and interact competently with others based on grooming habits or style does not seem professional at all. I would state that it displays a closed and shallow mind.

Do we reject or fire employees based on skin color? No, most employers have moved forward from the ignorance of the 1960′s and encourage equal opportunity for all races and creeds.

Does long hair, braids, a beard, piercings or tattoos indicate a lack of intelligence or lessen ones skill set? Logic would whisper to us that these judgments must be based on a case to case basis. If you accept the statement above as a generalization, you have basically bought into a new form of racism in a time when self expression is at an all time high.

When are people the most productive? When people are comfortable. “Our commitment to innovation depends on everyone being comfortable sharing ideas and opinions.” (taken from “The Google Culture”) I’d say that Google is pretty successful, agree? Comfort comes in the form of appearance, mindset, health, and surroundings. The ability to control the temperature within my own office, wear a t-shirt, jeans and casual shoes to work, exposing my true personality, and loosely setting my own hours as long as my job descriptions are met defines comfort in the workplace to me. If a suit and tie is your thing, then get it dry cleaned, make sure your tie is in a perfect knot, and take on the ten hour day with a smile.

Scenario: Is it not possible for a clean shaven man with gel filled hair wearing a polo shirt and a man with long hair and a lightly maintained beard wearing flip flops to interact in the business world and combine knowledge to create innovation in their field.? Step back and remove innovation. Can they at least do business together, assuming that both men are qualified for their positions? What does cloth and fashion have to do with anything? Does it affect the details of the discussion or the deal in any way? Does appearance override experience, intellect, and decision making?

I believe the issue goes deeper than dress code. It is about a simple way to distinguish between classes/interests in order to only interact with your own kind. It is about closed minds and people being uncomfortable with who they are which causes them to fear and judge those who do not match their own description of what is proper or professional. It is a hybrid form of modern day racism. If you have piercings or tattoos you must be an outcast with no life goals. If you have facial hair and longer than average hair you must be lazy, dangerous, or homeless. Hmm, kind of reminds me of when blacks were viewed as less intelligent just because a large group of uneducated (and educated) white people made the claim out of fear in order to keep an entire race of people from advancing and displaying their brilliance. Their skin was darker and their culture and traditions were new, strange, and did not match those of the whites so they had to place hurdles in the way of their progression. Well guess what, black people eventually overcame (and continue to overcome) those hurdles placed in front of them. Guess they weren’t so dumb after all!

It seems the same thing is happening 50 years after the core of the civil rights movement began, this time all races are being discriminated against: The Mexican with the shaved head who prefers to wear flannels: Oh, you didn’t know he had an incredible understanding of the history and forecasting of economics? That’s because you dismissed his mind as soon as his Dickies entered your office for an interview. A black man with a diamond grill could never network and head a regional sales team, that would just be ridiculous. You dismissed his charm and personality as soon as his smile glistened as he greeted you. Oh, and what about the white woman with pink streaks in her hair who was trying to explain to you how you could move your company forward, live more environmentally friendly, and cut costs at the same time? Woops, you missed out on saving two types of green because you were too focused on the pink in her hair instead of the ideas in her head.

Separate yourself from others by purchasing name brand clothing and driving luxury automobiles if you choose, but don’t dismiss the mind of any human before you have exchanged words with them. Stop fearing what you don’t see in the mirror every morning; it just might help you become more comfortable with what you do see in your own reflection.

I was recently speaking to a younger friend of mine who is currently enrolled as a freshman in a four year university. We had a conversation about how he should approach women. He began to tell me of troubles he was encountering with reading the signs and understanding the complex language spoken by most women. He complained, and asked me if girls still played games even after they graduated college. The answer: Yes, both girls and guys play games. He turned to me for the answer, a friend in need, I felt that I had to inform him about a scientific method that I have been experimenting with: This cherished method, “The Ryan Howard Theory”.

For those of you who don’t know, Ryan Howard is a premiere power hitter in Major League Baseball. There is only one problem, he strikes out a shitload, maybe even more than any other player in the league (I got lazy on my research). But despite his high number of “whiffs” he recently just signed a 3 year/$54 million contract because of his ability to hit the long ball.

                     2009                             2008                             2007                             2006

At-Bats           616                               610                               529                              581

Hits                172                               153                               142                              182      

Homeruns        45                                48                                 47                               58        

Strikeouts       186                             199                               199                               181

Peep the stats my friends and let me do the math for you (lazy fuckers). Let us take the 2009 season for example. Howard hit 45 homeruns.  That is 26% of his total hits. He also struck out 30% of his at-bats. He basically hit a home run 10% of the time he went to the plate swinging the wood. Finally, his strikeout to homerun ratio was 4:1.

Where am I going with this?

It is simple. Ryan Howard doesn’t fuck around at the plate. He hacks at every pitch he likes with authority. Striking out 30% of the time is horrible, but his homerun production almost makes his incredibly high amount of strikeouts irrelevant. Let us apply this to the ladies and circle back to my friend in need.

If you see a girl come your way that you like, don’t play stupid games with her; don’t get caught check swinging on a curveball and pout back to the bench, swing for the fences and possibly look like a fool, but at least jog back to the dugout  knowing you gave a solid effort. Plus, if “The Ryan Howard Theory” can be applied to real life, you are bound to score with 10% of all the girls you approach, and for every four times you strikeout, you will get laid once.

Bottom line: stop playing dating games and going through all the bullshit of wasting time, effort, money, and energy. Speak plain English. Be an animal. If you want someone, let them know. Stop playing text games and adhering to some old school rules invented by some pussy about when it is okay to call someone or not etc. Walk up to the girl/guy and if you want him/her, give them a compliment or crack a joke (preferably one that is funny, not a pickup line) and make it very clear that you are in the game to hit homeruns or not bat at all. You will know within the first few “pitches” if you are going to send the ball over the fence or get smoked by a fastball.  

Hey, if Ryan Howard can get the big contract doing this, you should be able to cash in as well.

If you like this blog, you will love this book! https://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyProduct=6369029

Tommy Strewzi

502 Cuffs Lane * Planet Earth, California * livingthedream1025@gmail.com

Objective

To acquire a full time position with benefits where I can be overcompensated for completing as much non-work, work as possible at work, while using their resources. 

Profile

Unmotivated, lacks professionalism in manners as well as appearance. Earned a bachelors degree by beer bonging forties and sweet talking professors. Proficient in Google Chat and Yahoo! Messenger as well as a master at uploading images to Facebook and Myspace. Recently started a Twitter account where I can post that I am not working from work. Above average blog reading skills and an uncanny ability to search the internet for disgusting, humorous, and mindless stories and photos. A master at wasting time.  

Capable of showing up late on any day as well as stretching a “thirty minute” lunch to its maximum potential.

Skills Summary

Education

(Enter University Name Here)

Bachelors Degree in Business Administration

 GPA: 3.1 – 3.5 (pre-heavy drinking and mind expansion)

 GPA: 2.0 – 2.4 (post knowledge of hallucinogens and acquired taste for whiskey)